There are still days I struggle with baggage over my mother’s death. There was much left undone, unsaid, unacknowledged. Because that was how she wanted it. Her passing left behind things that had been hidden or glossed over for many, many years. Don’t get me wrong. She was a great lady who made a difference in many lives. But she (as are we) was human.
Sometimes I think I should have one big blow-out melt-down and be done with it. That that would wipe the slate clean and I could move on. The converse thought is that if I allow the melt-down I might never climb out of the pit.
One of my IRL friends has shared that she was surprised I was still not “over” my mother’s death. I guess it is coming up on seven months now. Mom had been sick for over three years and in this friend’s opinion I should be moving forward. As in done with it.
The problem with losing a loved one (or having any other large life trauma, like divorce, major health issue or job loss) is that it is your sorrow and not someone else’s. Life does march on and we have to keep marching or get left far behind. Our society we doesn’t dwell on the past much and our own lives are so complicated it is hard to remember the thorns someone else is trying to remove from their heart. We’re past it, we aren’t thinking about it, so it comes as a surprise that our (possibly close) friend is still struggling. We’re encouraged as a society to put a good face on it and this too shall pass.
My friend surprised me with her attitude because she is someone who others turn to for advice. But she is not a Christian and would never consider Christian wisdom a viable thought when addressing needs. So I suppose that plays into it. And since I’ve known her for over a third of my life and it’s not really a new thing about her, I’m surprised I’m surprised. But it caught me off guard. She’s a good person with some good qualities, but with very defined and rigid ideas of how things should be.
I think I am moving forward, but apparently not at the pace my friend would like. I have some really good “normal” days. And then I have some others. It’s only been in the last month or so I was able to start sorting photos to scan and many items my father gave me were left in boxes until I could face them. I tried, probably to early, to address some of this before and just wasn’t able. But with time and faith and a loving God time will move on and I will too.
This I recall to my mind, therefore have I hope. It is of the Lord’s mercies that we are not consumed, because his compassions fail not. They are new every moring: great is thy faithfulness. The Lord is my portion saith my soul: therefore will I hope in him. The Lord is good unto them that wait for Him, to the soul that seeketh him. It is good that a man should both hope and quietly wait for the salvation of the LORD. Lamentations 3: 21-26