Christmas comes whether we are prepared or not.
For a woman often referred to by friends and family, alike as “Miss Merry Ho-Ho”, for a person who has almost always decorated the day after Thanksgiving (sometimes earlier), for someone who has loved Christmas even when things were bad…for this holiday junkie, Christmas almost didn’t make it to my house this year.
Oh…not the real Christmas, not the real Reason of the Season, Advent has been especially helpful to me this year. The sights and sounds may have looked “normal” around here, but the heavy waiting of Advent has been preparing my heart. The two books I have been reading are great helps, I highly recommend Preparing for Jesus by Walter Wangerin, Jr. and Christmas out of the Advent Box by Benjamin Husted and his family.
But the “Holly Jolly” Burl Ives, Bing Crosby “Silver Bells” Christmas wasn’t appearing.
And I was okay with that. In fact I was really ready to crawl into a hole and pretend that it all was not happening. I’ve told some of you this already, but last Christmas I put so much work into making it special and at the same time normal for everyone, that I think I was too busy to notice how hollow I was.
This year, however…I ran out of steam. And it became glaringly obvious.
I am pretty confident the painting project wasn’t my best and brightest planning. The outcome is great (photos to come), but the timing….Ehhhhhhh…hmmmmmmm…
The Nutcracker the boys participate in doesn’t help much, I am sure. Much as they love it, as I love it, as wonderful as the opportunity of performing with a professional company is, the rehearsal schedule combined with the class schedule of two is grueling. We were at the school seven days a week from mid-October to the week after Thanksgiving. The week after Thanksgiving was dress rehearsals, sometimes lasting until past 10 p.m. The easy part is when it’s performance time. People look at me like we are nuts (and I am sure we are) but the boys are in ten of the twenty shows the company does. But we are done with classes and so the performing is the “fun” part.
There has always been a fear in the back of my mind that we would get too caught up in it and forget that Nutcracker is not synonymous with Christmas—it is a cultural icon, a lovely tradition, but it is not the real reason.
Because of celebrating and participating in Advent this year, I think our focus readjusted a bit, I know it was lifesaving for my focus. Next year I plan to really have a lot more prepared so that we might open our hearts more to the Babe in the manger who becomes the Savior on the Cross of Calvary. But I am learning that if my focus is off, the family follows quickly.
Blogging has taken a back seat this year. Last year I posted often starting with this and ending with that and a lot in between. I had so much I wanted to share this year…but so often felt God’s hand on mine saying, “Don’t touch that keyboard.” So I listened most often. I’m sure not well enough, but I tried.
Early on I thought I would participate in Boo Mama’s Tour of Homes. I had a wonderful time with that last year. But there was no way I was going to make the start of it on the 15th. I didn’t start putting up decorations until Saturday.
And I finally finished today. At about 5 p.m. (those photos also forthcoming--and it makes last year look simple).
For me there was a lot of emotional baggage involved with decorating. I inherited so many of my mother’s, countless ornaments, I can recall a memory associated with almost every one. Some remind me of people I’m missing who have died, relationships that have lost their bloom, bitty babies that have grown to large and active boys. There also is a lot of soul searching about whether my decorating is the best use of my time and if someone would see Christ in my Christmas. Lots of praying.
Shopping this year has been odd. I picked up some things in September and October, little odds and ends. I had my sister’s family done…but my own family? I just was not “feeling it.” Doesn't that sound awful? It wasn’t that I didn’t want to give gifts to my sons. I have no problem with giving (although I have great issue with commercialism). I just didn’t feel like shopping.
So my dear, sweet husband has done almost all of the Christmas shopping for me. As I said, I had some small items squirreled away, but he braved the masses and the throngs so that I didn't have to do that. And to be really honest, I don't know that I could have. He must have seen the look on my face when I told him I really didn't feel like I care about much right now.
My boys are full of hugs and help, offering to do chores outside their assigned and checking on me to see how I am.
And right now I am okay.
This wasn’t one of my most cheery posts, but sometimes honesty is the best policy. I've dealt with depression on and off most of my adult life and have found that when I confront it head on and call it what it is, I am able to ask for help more and most important pray more during the dry times.
Sometimes the pray is little more than, "LORD, please..." or "Oh, Father..." and I run out of words, but He knows what needs to be said. It is times like these that I turn to the prayers that I learned as a child or the wisdom of those who have walked before and I cling to their words.
I’ve found that I actually have been able to focus and pray for others more this year. Know that if I’ve promised to pray for you or a family member I’ve been doing just that. While this is a season of wonder and rejoicing it doesn’t mean that there still aren’t many needs out there.
One of my younger friends, a still “new” mommy, has shared that she too is having a hard time with all of the “stuff” that her family associates with Christmas. She’s been asking me if she’s “odd.” I’ve told her I think her heart is just right and that it sounds like God is wanting to make big changes in her life. I think she’s a little scared of that.
I know I am. I feel like I am headed for changes to. Changes aren’t comfortable—even the good ones sometimes are full of growing pains. I just pray that I am ready to say “Yes LORD!”
I think my wrapping of heaviness is starting to come off slowly. I’m hoping my next posts are more fun and uplifting. Hopefully I won’t be regaling you with my “rogue” taco sauce woes—but if that is what shows up, so be it.
Praying you are feeling anticipation for the coming of the Christ.
Offer Him your gift,