This I recall to my mind, therefore have I hope. It is of the Lord’s mercies that we are not consumed, because his compassions fail not. They are new every moring: great is thy faithfulness. The Lord is my portion saith my soul: therefore will I hope in him. The Lord is good unto them that wait for Him, to the soul that seeketh him. It is good that a man should both hope and quietly wait for the salvation of the LORD. Lamentations 3: 21-26

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

20 Years of Medical Practice Affects My Navel Gazing

So I went to see a new doctor (an internist); because, after two visits in July and August with complaints about my knee, specifically, combined with other joint pain and a overall sense of unwellness, the old doc told me, "As we age it just takes more time to heal. Let me know if it gets worse"

Which was doctor speak for, "It's in your head, get over it." And, just like that, she was out the door before I could ask questions. And, "Oh, by the way, let's just do everything via e-mail from now on." As in "We don't want to hear your voice on the phone because we are too busy to talk to you."

Luckily (and only 6 months later!), the orthopedic I took myself to did NOT think I was crazy. Of course he had the MRI and x-rays to consult. I learned a lot, but he is an orthopedic--and a resident to boot, so I likely will not be able to return to him, so I went searching for a new doctor.

There was the FP doctor I had seen at the practice my husband is/was using (another story for another day) and he also DID NOT think I was crazy. I would have gone back to him, but since my husband was struggling with the front office staff (the wife of the doctor who owns the practice), I decided to strike out for different pastures.

The new doctor, a woman, has a bio that lists her time prior to practice as a pharmacist. I am always concerned about drug interaction and the affects of meds on my blood sugar. I have a handful of issues that are starting to add up and I want someone to direct my medical care This was going to be awesome.

Well...Dear Doctor-lady took one look at me and decided I was Holly Homemaker with nary a brain in my head. She ignored what I perceived to be my problems and gave me her best advice..."Watch Dr. Oz while you are ironing. He's got good advice for diets."

Really? Twenty years and that's whatcha got, lady?

Actually I did not say that.

I was in such shock, I just dumbly and numbly looked at her and let the rest of the whole five minutes of thorough medical care pass me by. I sat for a LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG time waiting for lab work and then was shown the door.

Come back in a month.

I made it to the parking lot before crying. I sat there and just sobbed.

Her medical assumption of my person doesn't line up with my perception of myself. I've always seen myself as knowledgeable, and well-spoken. But maybe I am what she saw. I've been mulling that over. I know I don't look like a career woman, but really, do I look like, well...what do I look like?

So, anyhoo...I've been trying to decide what to do about her and trying to decide what to do about me. This should not be so traumatic, but it is. Part of it is facing my age and the fact that I will not be returning to 20, 25, 30 or even 40 anytime soon. OK...never. Even if I can get back in shape. It will be shape housed in a mature home.

And what do I think of myself? Can I allow fifteen minutes with a stranger to redefine who I think I am?

I've spent the last eighteen months dealing with several issues: family, health, spiritual, relationships, that have shaken me to my foundation. I finally thought I had regained my identity. And now this.

I am proud to be a homeschool mom and all that entails. I spend an inordinate amount of time chauffeuring, scheduling, meal-planning...blah, blah, blah. I am glad I am available to help other people (not my children) in my life that need me. I recently helped a friend proof-read parts of her book. The CEO of a non-profit organization asked for a few hours of my time to get input into the issues concerning their school (people like that usually don't bother with unintelligent people, do they? I don't have any money, so that's not the reason for the time). I play a stupid video game, I read, I explore many crafting options. But I don't watch television much and I DON'T IRON!!!!

Last night was the first night since the appointment that I did not dream about the whole doctor's visit. This was the first morning I got through without tearing up.

Obviously, I've allowed this to balloon into more than it should be. And so I am spewing it out to the internet. Maybe that will shake the blues that settled on my shoulders off.

Moving on...