The Sin of Pride

"Excuse me...you have something on your head." says some tentative stranger. "Ummm...yes, those are ashes. It is Ash Wednesday." I reply.

"Oh, I forgot it was Ash Wednesday!" exclaims a non-practicing friend.

One day a year I allow a mark to be placed on my head and go out into the world to face strangers. The mark proclaims who I believe I belong to. It is more personal than any t-shirt or any piece of jewelry. It is right between my eyes so that if someone is to talk to me directly they have no choice but to see it. To see the cross in the ashes on my head.

That day was yesterday and while I've practiced the acceptance of ashes for a good part of my life, it never fails to make me uncomfortable. It is hard to walk around with a cross on your head. Our society is uncomfortable with that. The cross is not gold, not wooden, not even the palms that we sometimes weave out of Palm Sunday palms...but ashes. It is not a cross of pride, but admittance that we are unable to fix our situation of sin on our own. We need the cross that was on Calvary. We need the Lamb who bore our sin and suffering. And He did. And He will stand before the Father for us. To allow us to have the joy of heaven.

Why is it so awkward to walk around with ashes on my head for less than twenty-four hours?

Count it all joy,

Julie

Finding Stillness on the Internet

Return to me, says the Lord of Hosts, and I will return to you. Do not be like your ancestors, to whom the prophets in the past cried ‘Turn back from your evil ways and evil deeds’ but they would not listen. Zechariah 1:3-4

I've been yearning for Lent, lately. Things have gotten out of hand. The world has gotten loud. While I've gotten rid of some bad habits, I've also given into other bad habits. Why couldn't I just let go, use a little self-discipline and make better choices on my own? I don't know. Sometimes, for me it takes Lent to refocus, re-prioritize and reawaken the desires for simplicity. The desires to choose better choices. Maybe it's just me. 

Lent begins today, and on a day when many people are giving up all things internet, all things technology, all things social media...I...am not. 

My poor desolate, little blog...I realized it has been nearly two years since I have updated. And I miss it. It was my quiet space in the midst of all the chaos. I think I am going to try blogging for Lent. Looking back, blogging often was a good time to sort out questions and theories. Blogging caused me to pray differently. It was a good journal for memories that I might have otherwise forgotten. And truthfully when I say that I am a bit sad that I've let two years go by. But I had my reasons. And now...I have other reasons to return. And times I know I am not going to want to forget. 

No promises for how well I will do visiting. I am setting timers for myself during Lent to prevent falling down into the rabbit hole and getting sucked into the Wonderland of the web. For now...I'm just going to see where I am led. 

Count it all joy, 

Julie

Update on Prayer Request

So many thanks for the prayers. I cannot begin to tell you how much we appreciate them.

My youngest is home. He is still having seizure-like episodes, but they seem to be diminishing in the strength and length. While there were some truly, superb people at the hospital, there were those who caused it to be a very upsetting experience. Things got worse in the hospital, not better. Some new problems were created. I will try to expand on that later, if I am able. We are just grateful to be home with our boy.

We still believe that God is in control of all of this. Nothing has surprised Him in anyway, but we do believe there was definitely a spiritual component to all of this. Each member of our family has struggled with odd health issues over the last eight months. Our youngest has had the worst of all the trials. But God is a great and awesome God and we will continue to praise Him in all things.

He has put wonderful people in our lives--those we know personally and those people who we have only met via this odd thing called the internet.

On a physical level we will be pursuing a second opinion and some other guidance. Please pray for the right people to be put in our path, who will focus on what will help not what will give the enemy a foothold. We are praying for a little medicine to be necessary as possible.

On a spiritual level, we are not letting our guard down and will continue to beg prayers from anyone who has some to spare.

Again, many, many thanks.

With much love and joy (trying really hard to find it, but am finding it!) in all things.

Julie

...Naked came I out of my mother's womb, and naked shall I return thither: the LORD gave, and the LORD hath taken away; blessed be the name of the LORD.Job 1:21(KJV)

...But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 2 Corinthians 12:9(NIV)

Prayers, Please

My youngest son is in the hospital. To say that he is under attack is the biggest understatement. My whole family begs your prayers. We know God is bigger than all things, He works everything for His glory, He will triumph. But we are asking for mountains to be moved in mighty ways in a very fast time frame.

Please pray for my boy.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Trying very hard to find some joy,

Julie

FOR TODAY ...March 5, 2012

Outside my window...Sunshine, light breeze, spring smells.

I am thinking...I am running behind today. Sadly, this is not unusual.

I am thankful for...Homeschooling. I cannot imagine our life if we did otherwise.

From the learning rooms...Youngest is working through a year of folk tales, mythology, fables, fairy tales, fantasy and poetry. Oldest is still adjusting to the demands of an eighth grade schedule, plus two hours of piano, plus three to four hours of dance all crammed into one day.

From the kitchen...left over pizza for one, tamales, chimis and burritos for the other two boys (husband is counted in my "boys" a lot of the time--while always a hard worker, he is somewhat of a class clown--my youngest is THE class clown, though).

I am wearing...not what I should be. Still in jammies.

I am creating...still working on the same projects, a shawl, a scarf, some jewelry.

I am going...to take the oldest to dance and I will visit the pool while I wait.

I am reading...cooking magazines, looking for low-fat, low-carb, low-acidic, tasty & healthy meals to accommodate my family's many needs. Did I mention I have a couple of picky eaters (oldest is NOT one of them)?

I am hoping...to have a helpful appointment with youngest & his doctor tomorrow.

I am hearing...my children discuss technology. Sigh...not what the topic should be, but they're quite animated and knowledgeable.

Around the house...weeding, sorting, praying for more room.

One of my favorite things...my new refrigerator. It holds what it needs to and does not leak on my floor.

A few plans for the rest of the week: putting one foot in front of the other, trying to not get distracted...

Here is picture thought I am sharing...

Pretty much my view each afternoon--mine does not have red trim. Gas prices are really getting crazy, huh?

How are you doing???

Be blessed!

Julie


Visit Peggy at the Simple Woman's Daybook to find more daybookers.

Daybook...Monday, February 27

FOR TODAY ...February 27 , 2012

Outside my window...Sunshine! Many birds singing. We have had a very "quiet" winter. And I am not complaining!

I am thinking...about GERD and its relation to childhood asthma. I will be talking about this and some other health issues in the near future.

I am thankful for...my life. I could not walk in another's shoes. God knows what we can and cannot go through.

From the learning rooms...already the planning for next year is on my mind. The boys will have a "normal" day.

From the kitchen...trying to think of things that my youngest can eat that will not set off his reflux and still be tempting. Many of the old stand-bys are temporarily off the table--literally.

I am wearing..."the uniform"--t-shirt and capris, with a blanket and a sweater. Who knows when I will be too warm or too cold?? Not me.

I am creating...hopefully room to create. I have a shawl I am dragging with me everywhere to knit on, but not accomplishing much.

I am going...to water aerobics tonight. It has helped mentally and physically.

I am reading...That Hideous Strength by C.S. Lewis. I have really been glad that I finally read the trilogy.

I am hoping...for health for my family.

I am hearing...quiet, good "house" noises.

Around the house...still trying to finish putting things back after a huge re-arrange in the kitchen. It is a puzzle.

One of my favorite things...the baby blanket that is on my lap. It is from when my oldest was born. I still use it as a light throw. Good memories and just the right texture.

A few plans for the rest of the week: create space.

Here is picture thought I am sharing...




We are just beginning on this Lenten path that will lead us to the foot of the Cross. This year possibly more than in previous years, I feel called to heed the words of Isaiah 45:22; to "Turn to me and be saved, all you ends of the earth; for I am God, and there is no other." I pray that the changes will be easy for others to see in my life. Much heart-cleaning to be done.





 Have a joyful week!!


Visit Peggy at the Simple Woman's Daybook to find more daybookers.

20 Years of Medical Practice Affects My Navel Gazing

So I went to see a new doctor (an internist); because, after two visits in July and August with complaints about my knee, specifically, combined with other joint pain and a overall sense of unwellness, the old doc told me, "As we age it just takes more time to heal. Let me know if it gets worse"

Which was doctor speak for, "It's in your head, get over it." And, just like that, she was out the door before I could ask questions. And, "Oh, by the way, let's just do everything via e-mail from now on." As in "We don't want to hear your voice on the phone because we are too busy to talk to you."

Luckily (and only 6 months later!), the orthopedic I took myself to did NOT think I was crazy. Of course he had the MRI and x-rays to consult. I learned a lot, but he is an orthopedic--and a resident to boot, so I likely will not be able to return to him, so I went searching for a new doctor.

There was the FP doctor I had seen at the practice my husband is/was using (another story for another day) and he also DID NOT think I was crazy. I would have gone back to him, but since my husband was struggling with the front office staff (the wife of the doctor who owns the practice), I decided to strike out for different pastures.

The new doctor, a woman, has a bio that lists her time prior to practice as a pharmacist. I am always concerned about drug interaction and the affects of meds on my blood sugar. I have a handful of issues that are starting to add up and I want someone to direct my medical care besides...well...me. This was going to be awesome.

Well...Dear Doctor-lady took one look at me and decided I was Holly Homemaker with nary a brain in my head. She ignored what I perceived to be my problems and gave me her best advice..."Watch Dr. Oz while you are ironing. He's got good advice for diets."

Really? Twenty years and that's whatcha got, lady?

Actually I did not say that.

I was in such shock, I just dumbly and numbly looked at her and let the rest of the whole five minutes of thorough medical care pass me by. I sat for a LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG time waiting for lab work and then was shown the door.

Come back in a month.

I made it to the parking lot before crying. I sat there and just sobbed.

Her medical assumption of my person doesn't line up with my perception of myself. I've always seen myself as knowledgeable, and well-spoken. But maybe I am what she saw. I've been mulling that over. I know I don't look like a career woman, but really, do I look like, well...what do I look like?

So, anyhoo...I've been trying to decide what to do about her and trying to decide what to do about me. This should not be so traumatic, but it is. Part of it is facing my age and the fact that I will not be returning to 20, 25, 30 or even 40 anytime soon. OK...never. Even if I can get back in shape. It will be shape housed in a mature home.

And what do I think of myself? Can I allow fifteen minutes with a stranger to redefine who I think I am?

I've spent the last eighteen months dealing with several issues: family, health, spiritual, relationships, that have shaken me to my foundation. I finally thought I had regained my identity. And now this.

I am proud to be a homeschool mom and all that entails. I spend an inordinate amount of time chauffeuring, scheduling, meal-planning...blah, blah, blah. I am glad I am available to help other people (not my children) in my life that need me. I recently helped a friend proof-read parts of her book. The CEO of a non-profit organization asked for a few hours of my time to get input into the issues concerning their school (people like that usually don't bother with unintelligent people, do they? I don't have any money, so that's not the reason for the time). I play a stupid video game, I read, I explore many crafting options. But I don't watch television much and I DON'T IRON!!!!

Last night was the first night since the appointment that I did not dream about the whole doctor's visit. This was the first morning I got through without tearing up.

Obviously, I've allowed this to balloon into more than it should be. And so I am spewing it out to the internet. Maybe that will shake the blues that settled on my shoulders off.

Moving on...

Which Child Am I?

The Parable of the Two Sons
Matthew 21:28-32(NKJV)

...But what do you think? A man had two sons, and he came to the first and said, "Son, go, work today in my vineyard." He answered and said, "I will not," but afterward he regretted it and went. Then he came to the second and said likewise. And he answered and said, "I go, sir," but he did not go. Which of the two did the will of his father?

They said to Him, “The first.”

Jesus said to them, “Assuredly, I say to you that tax collectors and harlots enter the kingdom of God before you. For John came to you in the way of righteousness, and you did not believe him; but tax collectors and harlots believed him; and when you saw it, you did not afterward relent and believe him.

This verse has stuck with me for a long time. This is the verse that got me thinking about responses.

I think there was a third son. Did you know there was a third son? Jesus did not even find it worthwhile to talk about him.

I would like to think of myself as the first son, but more often than not I am the second son. Even worse, more often than that I am the third son that Jesus never mentions. The third son doesn't even try to do the right thing; doesn't even say, "Yes." I am the son that just says, "No." to begin with and doesn't even reconsider.

My versions of saying, "No." often are about waste. They include: Wasting thoughts; wasting time; wasting talent; wasting precious moments with loved ones; wasting resources.

When I talk to my boys about wasting money, I tell them it is like taking a dollar bill and setting it on fire--a very good visual. I am trying to create visuals for myself that will help me to waste less, respond with love.

Which child are you? How do you choose good responses?

Lost for Words

When I was a child I read the dictionary. For fun. I read the phone book, too. Yeah...I was that kind of kid.

But the upside of my wild youth was that, as an adult, I used to be the person everyone would ask for a definition, a better word choice, an idea for how to "say things." And then I met menopause.

Besides the delight of hot-flashes, mood-swings to top any I had ever had before and sleeplessness, besides all of that, I lost my words. The boys will ask me a question and I know the answer. It just gets stuck between my brain and my mouth. For the first time in my life I am at a loss for words. (My husband is a bit surprised by this.)

So, that is why it took me until January 9th to write my first blog post of the year. I was searching for my words. Or rather, searching for the word.

I'm not sure when it became the popular thing to do to have a word to sum up what one wanted for the upcoming year, but I know it was going on when I started this blog and the word I picked was "JOY."

"JOY" is a wonderful word and I am not giving it up. 2010 and 2011 were years to test my resolve for "joy in all things." I lost the battle more than a few times. 2012 definitely needs me to focus on joy, but I felt I needed another word to restart myself on a better path than the one I was on.

So, for me, 2012 is going to be a year of "RESPONSE." That took a lot of work to find that particular word. Not an unusual word or an especially creative word. But I have so many ideas of what I want to happen this year. And I felt the need to sum it up in one word.

I finally realized that if we are to be God's children, we are called to respond. To everything. Every person, every situation, every moment of the day we are called to respond to HIM. When we do nothing, it is a response. When we throw our hearts into something, it is a response. The half-way answer, the luke-warm gesture...also a response.

My ponderings the last few days on this word have led me many directions. My hope is that I can, again, come back to "blog-land", and work out my day to day living in words. We shall see.

I've missed my blogging friends. I've burrowed down a hole for a while. Forgive me for my lack of presence. Many blogging friends have been on my heart and in my prayers quite often, but I couldn't find it in myself to surface and say so very often. For that I am sorry. I hope I can retrace my steps and get back to where I was.

2012...Let's see what your response is.

Happy Mother's Day

Of all the rights of women, the greatest is to be a mother.~~Lin Yutang

Happy Mother's Day to all of my favorite Mommies out there, whether your babies are still hiding out or have been out for years and years. Hope your day is filled with love and beauty.