This I recall to my mind, therefore have I hope. It is of the Lord’s mercies that we are not consumed, because his compassions fail not. They are new every moring: great is thy faithfulness. The Lord is my portion saith my soul: therefore will I hope in him. The Lord is good unto them that wait for Him, to the soul that seeketh him. It is good that a man should both hope and quietly wait for the salvation of the LORD. Lamentations 3: 21-26

Sunday, July 6, 2008

Beloved

“Come to me, all you who labor and are burdened, and I will give you rest.
Take my yoke upon you and learn from me,
for I am meek and humble of heart;
and you will find rest for yourselves.
For my yoke is easy, and my burden light.” Matthew 11:25-30


This morning at Mass during the sermon I was reminded that I was a child of the King of Kings. This morning I was reminded even though a sinner saved by Grace, I am a beloved daughter of the LORD. No matter what Satan says, no matter what anyone else think, no matter if I am poor or rich, famous or insignificant in the eyes of the world, no matter—I am beloved.

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The county fair was one of my mother’s favorite things. I’m not sure why, but she loved the whole thing and wanted to make sure we enjoyed it too.

Thirteen years ago my husband and I moved near my parents. Two years later we had our first son, Roo. Boo followed two and a half years later. Within eight months of that we moved nine hours away from my parents and, with one exception; we’ve not been nearby since then. So for the last six years I brought the boys to my parents’ house for a long visit in the summer.

My mother always took vacation time and the first four of those years created “Camp Gramarama” that included water balloon fights, Dairy Queen trips, a zoo visit, the county fair parade, and subsequent visits to the fair. Somewhere in there my parents got a pop-up camper and parked it next to the cornfield. It became “The Camp Clubhouse.” The adults rotated sleeping in it with the kids.

The fifth year my mom had every intention of doing all of that and made good on most of it, but the chemo was catching up and my sister and I did our best to fill in the gaps. I don’t know who we were trying to do it for, her or the children. Maybe both. It was still a good “Camp.”

Last year, my mom, three years into chemo, spent the first part of the week resting/sleeping; rallying to try to get to see my niece exhibit her cat. Mom made it to the fairgrounds. My dad had obtained permission to use their golf cart to drive her up to the exhibition tent, but even sitting was too difficult and he and I took her home before the show started. She did hear the show (the judge comments during the judging) over the cell phone—one of those “how did we manage before?” moments. She got to hear my niece interviewed on the radio also. A day later she was in the local hospital. She was then moved to a university research hospital. She spent more time the next six weeks in the hospital than at home. And then she really got to go HOME.

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I’ve debated a lot lately about my blog. I’m trying to remember what made me think I could keep up with one. I’ve never been a good journal-er. I had another crisis last year about the same time—actually a couple weeks earlier. But I also had to deal with some intense personalities along with my ventures into the reality of the world outside the walls of my home. And I was dealing with the reality that my mom wasn’t going to be around much longer

This time, between the last month of going against my nature—having to operate as if I were a morning person, having to be out of my home four to seven hours a day; trying to wade through the hormonal upheavals of peri-menopause, making important decisions about our future with my husband and then getting ready to be gone for five days, when what I want to do is be home, I questioned whether there was any point in keeping it open.

And then I started going through my archives.

Some people wear their hearts on their sleeves—or blogs, as the case may be. They give you lots of details on what’s going on. I’m not often one to do so. I try to share about me without sharing too much about others who might not want to be blogged about. I’ve noticed there are others who blog this way too—they blog, but there’s more going on than what is in the post.

Both ways are good. But I wondered if my style of blogging would really help me look back.

It did.

Even though a reader might not get all the details, one post, sometimes one sentence is enough to bring back a flood of memories for me.

Last year we left for my parents’ and the fair almost immediately after Summer Intensives. This year blessedly, I gave myself the weekend to recuperate a little. But it still doesn’t feel like enough. Next year—I don’t see us going for this return to the county fair. I guess I did it for the children—my niece and nephew, as much as for my boys. Maybe I did it most for my mom. We’ve had a trying year and I didn’t feel right changing what’s become a tradition for us. But although I like a day at the fair, I’m not a die-hard fair go-er. But things are changing, things that the children can’t see yet. I’m sure they feel it, but the grown-ups get to make the decisions and that is hopefully because we have more facts.

Hopefully.

Whatever the case may be I think I’ve decided to keep my blog and continue posting. Maybe it’s time to get a private journal too. I definitely think I may need to rearrange some priorities. Usually when someone (or me) has a crisis it is a signal that our approach to life isn’t where it should be. I need to work on that. I've made some really good and significant changes this year--but I think I need to make some more.

The supportive comments and prayers and words of encouragement have meant so much. Bless each of you. I will be on the road, but hopefully have time to get back to visiting and leaving comments and returning e-mails. Thanks for being so patient with me.

Remember that you, too are BELOVED.

Always in HIM,

Julie

8 comments:

DebD said...

hugs to you Julie. I'm selfishly glad you're going to continue blogging for now, because I'd miss you! But, I certainly understand that love/hate relationships with doing so.

luvmy4sons said...

Oh I wish I could give you a great big hug. I could hear the bittersweet, nostalgic mood in your post. I am sorry your lost your mother. It is such a comfort to know she is HOME. I often get concerned that I am "too out there" in my blog. I am often an open book for all to see...whether in bloggy world or otherwise. God has helped me rein that tendency in a little bit. I guess for me blogging is cathartic...it is an outlet. I often work out my feelings as I write...I have known God to frequently work on my heart through my words as I write. And then later when someone tells me that I touched their heart and it felt good to them know they weren't alone, I don't question my transparency. Othertimes when the post is misunderstood...I wonder. I just want to glorify Him. So I figure that might change as time goes on. Hugs to you. I so appreciate your tender heart and yoru honesty! Love always in Christ!

annie said...

((((hugs))))

Kim said...

(hugs) Julie!
My blog visiting and commenting time has been rather limited lately, but I am so glad you have decided to keep blogging. I enjoy coming here and checking up on things. My prayers are with you as you take this trip. I hope you can find some healing while gone this time.
*smiles*
Kim

Jennifer said...

Julie...I, too, am so glad that you are going to continue your blog...I would miss you terribly if you didn't. But...understanding much of your heart in this post, too...((((big hugs)))). Praying that God will richly bless and encourage you in the coming days!!

Coach J said...

Very nicely written. You are healing right before our eyes, girlfriend.
When that scripture popped up in my reader, I immediately came over. I've been singing a song based on that scripture for the past two days, and it has helped my tremendously!!
I know exactly what you mean about blogging. I'm going through that with things changing in my life. God certainly takes us through seasons, and sometimes-even if we don't want them to-seasons change. God calls us to move on. I'm so glad you will still be at Joyful Days for the time being.

Renee' said...

Stopping by to say HI. It's probably selfish but I am glad you're continuing to blog - you'd be missed! Keeping you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.

sheryl said...

(((HUGS))) Julie. As others have said, selfishly I'm glad you're staying. More importantly, while you are discreet in your posts, you are still recording so much of your daily life that, I think, will someday bless your children and grandchildren.
And, I was coming over to tell you that the song you posted last week (I Cast All My Cares Upon You) has been on my heart all week and each time I hummed it, it uplifted me...and each time I was uplifted I remembered your post and was thankful for you!!
You are a blessing!