Lost for Words

When I was a child I read the dictionary. For fun. I read the phone book, too. Yeah...I was that kind of kid.

But the upside of my wild youth was that, as an adult, I used to be the person everyone would ask for a definition, a better word choice, an idea for how to "say things." And then I met menopause.

Besides the delight of hot-flashes, mood-swings to top any I had ever had before and sleeplessness, besides all of that, I lost my words. The boys will ask me a question and I know the answer. It just gets stuck between my brain and my mouth. For the first time in my life I am at a loss for words. (My husband is a bit surprised by this.)

So, that is why it took me until January 9th to write my first blog post of the year. I was searching for my words. Or rather, searching for the word.

I'm not sure when it became the popular thing to do to have a word to sum up what one wanted for the upcoming year, but I know it was going on when I started this blog and the word I picked was "JOY."

"JOY" is a wonderful word and I am not giving it up. 2010 and 2011 were years to test my resolve for "joy in all things." I lost the battle more than a few times. 2012 definitely needs me to focus on joy, but I felt I needed another word to restart myself on a better path than the one I was on.

So, for me, 2012 is going to be a year of "RESPONSE." That took a lot of work to find that particular word. Not an unusual word or an especially creative word. But I have so many ideas of what I want to happen this year. And I felt the need to sum it up in one word.

I finally realized that if we are to be God's children, we are called to respond. To everything. Every person, every situation, every moment of the day we are called to respond to HIM. When we do nothing, it is a response. When we throw our hearts into something, it is a response. The half-way answer, the luke-warm gesture...also a response.

My ponderings the last few days on this word have led me many directions. My hope is that I can, again, come back to "blog-land", and work out my day to day living in words. We shall see.

I've missed my blogging friends. I've burrowed down a hole for a while. Forgive me for my lack of presence. Many blogging friends have been on my heart and in my prayers quite often, but I couldn't find it in myself to surface and say so very often. For that I am sorry. I hope I can retrace my steps and get back to where I was.

2012...Let's see what your response is.

Ash Wednesday

Even now, says the LORD,
return to me with your whole heart,
with fasting, and weeping, and mourning;
Rend your hearts, not your garments...




A clean heart create for me, O God,
and a steadfast spirit renew within me.
Cast me not out from your presence,
and your Holy Spirit take not from me.

Your Ways...Not Mine

Teach me, O LORD, to follow your decrees;
then I will keep them to the end.

Give me understanding, and I will keep your law
and obey it with all my heart.

Direct me in the path of your commands,
for there I find delight.

Turn my heart toward your statutes
and not toward selfish gain.

Turn my eyes away from worthless things;
preserve my life according to your word.

Fulfill your promise to your servant,
so that you may be feared.

Take away the disgrace I dread,
for your laws are good.

How I long for your precepts!
Preserve my life in your righteousness.

Psalm 119: 33-40

The Dementor

I have met the dementor and I know his name.

It is Asthma.

His friends are known as Fear, Panic and Anxiety. Too bad this is not Hogwarts, there is no Patronus charm and all the chocolate in the world will not make it go away.

We are dealing with asthma at my house. Both of my boys were diagnosed with "exercise induced asthma" in early March. My oldest seems to be dealing with it quite well. My younger however...not so much.

When the asthma journey began with the "exercise induced" label, I thought, "Okay. Not great, but we can deal with this. We can work around it."

It seems everyone has heard of Olympic athletes with asthma. In fact somewhere between 10-20% of Olympic athletes apparently have asthma. Well who doesn't want to be compared to an Olympic athlete?? We could DO this.

As I said, my oldest set off, Albuterol in hand and his breathing during dancing improved. But the youngest...well, it seemed to work for a short time. And then the coughing and the poor coloring returned; sometimes while dancing, sometimes just randomly.

He's been through allergy testing, pulmonary function testing, doctors' visits and even an emergency room visit. At one point he had ten medications going into his small body. I've held him as he's struggled to breathe. He's cried (which seems to exacerbate the situation, but he can't stop) because his chest hurts so badly.

We've been up at all hours, missed anticipated events, struggled with bedtime, struggled with leaving the house, going back to ballet, and worst of all for me--struggled with attending church.

The learning curve for this mommy has been steep. Everyone thinks they know something about asthma--many think it is just about allergies. And sometimes for some people it is. I've had a health care professional (who we know personally) insist it is all "in his head." Really???? That was meant to be helpful?

What I have learned is that asthma is a disease. It may appear to "go away" for awhile, but it is always there lurking. Symptoms are treated, not cured, although there are some things that appear to help improve breathing and stretch out the time between episodes. Some parents have told me that at a certain age their child "outgrew" it. Although I have a friend in his 60s who never did.

Each parent I've talked to (and it's amazing how many are there that I've known for a long time but never knew their child dealt with asthma), read their blogs, or heard anecdotal stories from a "friend of a friend"--each story is different. Triggers are different, flares last different amounts of time, medications are different, intensity is different, timing is different. I'm sure there are a lot of people with similar stories, I just keep running into people with different stories.

We are piecing things together slowly for Boo. What is going to work for him. What is going to get him back to "normal." Whatever normal is. He's been very frustrated because he's been unable to participate in some things that he really wants to because of his asthma. He is working toward "ownership" of his condition and knowledge that will make him more independent.

I am trying to balance my "hovering" personality (I've often been accused of being overprotective) and being too laissez-faire with him. EVERYONE has an opinion of how I should be parenting Boo and what health care choices I should be making for him. So far, only a handful of people are okay with my choices. My doctors seem to be okay with them, so I will go with that.

As we sat together during a particularly bad time, nebulizer going, me holding on to him, wishing it was me and not him, the Harry Potter-dementor image came to me--hence the title. If you are a Harry fan and know about the dementors this video will mean something to you. Sorry I can't put in in the post, maybe it's better I couldn't--it's intense and if you don't allow Harry Potter, please don't watch. As I watched it today, it chilled me.

Sometimes it does seem there won't ever be joy again. But better than charms and chocolate, we have a Savior, who has felt every one of our pains before we did. He will get Boo through this, me through this, our family will come out on the other side. While it would be nice to have a quick fix, my faith tells me God knows best and He will not abandon us.

There have been some awful times in this little family's history. I've cried out to God many times, "Why?!" Often it is not until years later; five, ten, twenty years later that I can see a reason. So we stand in faith until that time.

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28

Trying to count it all joy,

Julie

Prayer Request

If you are so inclined to scroll down a bit and on my sidebar view my Twitterings...

Or click. I would be most grateful.

The end of the world, it certainly is not, but I am ill prepared for growing children.

All Creatures of Our God and King

All creatures of our God and King
Lift up your voice and with us sing,
Alleluia! Alleluia!
Thou burning sun with golden beam,
Thou silver moon with softer gleam!

Refrain

O praise Him! O praise Him!
Alleluia! Alleluia! Alleluia!

Thou rushing wind that art so strong
Ye clouds that sail in Heaven along,
O praise Him! Alleluia!
Thou rising moon, in praise rejoice,
Ye lights of evening, find a voice!

Refrain

Thou flowing water, pure and clear,
Make music for thy Lord to hear,
O praise Him! Alleluia!
Thou fire so masterful and bright,
That givest man both warmth and light.

Refrain

Dear mother earth, who day by day
Unfoldest blessings on our way,
O praise Him! Alleluia!
The flowers and fruits that in thee grow,
Let them His glory also show.

Refrain

And all ye men of tender heart,
Forgiving others, take your part,
O sing ye! Alleluia!
Ye who long pain and sorrow bear,
Praise God and on Him cast your care!

Refrain

And thou most kind and gentle Death,
Waiting to hush our latest breath,
O praise Him! Alleluia!
Thou leadest home the child of God,
And Christ our Lord the way hath trod.

Refrain

Let all things their Creator bless,
And worship Him in humbleness,
O praise Him! Alleluia!
Praise, praise the Father, praise the Son,
And praise the Spirit, Three in One!

Refrain

Alleluia! Alleluia!! He Is Risen, Indeed!

Arise My Love



May the joy of the Resurrection of Christ be yours today and every day.

Good Friday

Each year goes rushing by faster and faster. As I plow through life and through the seasons and times of the Church, I find myself disappointed with myself.

Again and again.

Lent, to my dismay, was largely consumed by worldly things. Although I will say, I had quite a revelation as to how weak in "the flesh" I really am. How little it takes to get me to grumble and feel sorry for myself. Gracious. There is a lot of growing up I need to do.

It's not been a total desert. There have been some moments where the glass got cleared enough for me to get a glimpse of where I should be, what it is all about, but they've not been what my heart was telling me I needed.

As I came home late Wednesday night, quite weary from a long day and a with a tired and emotional pre-teen in tow, I finally got the chance to sit down and thought I would visit a few internet friends to "cheer me up." But God will use anything to get our attention and He used FaceBook (yes, really) and one of my friends there to point me to yesterday's post.

And all at once the enormity of Holy Week, and more to the point, the ENORMITY of the sacrifice that our LORD and Savior endured for us, hit me full in the face and I was undone.

So here I sit with the weight of Holy Week surrounding me. I'm sure I've not got it "right" but, Someone cleared the glass enough that I can see where I am going. And I need to look to Him, the perfect Lamb.

Again, I must suggest view discretion with a video. And part of me thinks I should apologize, but the truth is, this is only a part of what happened. And I am devastated to think we would be ashamed of that.

Watch the Lamb

Holy Thursday

Chaplet of Divine Mercy

Have mercy on us, and on the whole world.

Scenes from The Passion of the Christ.

Viewer discretion.



With gratitude to my friend Carrie for pointing me to this.

We Fall Down

Palm Sunday was yesterday...are you ready for Easter?


We Fall Down

We fall down
We lay our crowns
At the feet of Jesus
The greatness of
Your Mercy and love
At the feet of Jesus
And we cry holy, holy, holy
And we cry holy, holy, holy
And we cry holy, holy, holy
Is the lamb
We fall down
We lay our crowns
At the feet of Jesus
The greatness of
Mercy and love
At the feet of Jesus
And we cry holy, holy, holy
And we cry holy, holy, holy
And we cry holy, holy, holy
Is the lamb
And we cry holy, holy, holy
And we cry holy, holy, holy
And we cry holy, holy, holy
Is the lamb

More to Be Grateful For

Within a couple hours of my last post Boo decided to do what he usually does--run, jump and "explode." Well he exploded a little to much and landed wrong. Ouch!!

He's sporting a walking boot now to accessorize his buckle fracture on his left foot. He's received good and proper sympathy from our sweet friends Miss H & her daughter E. He got many well wishes, prayer and attention this evening while he audited (read: sat and took notes) his ballet class, because...I've already paid for it...and you just can't dance in that stylish footwear. Doctor's orders.

I've spent the last two days with him in doctors' offices, and radiology offices. We've met some awesome, incredible health care professionals. What could have been a miserable experience has been at least made bearable by kind and gentle people who have been very sweet to my youngest boy. I have been blown away by the quality of care. His teachers and the director of the dance school have been quite helpful, solicitous and encouraging. My friends K and C have listened to me vent, whine and boo-hoo. And offered priceless advice.

God is good--all the time. This could have been so much worse, he could have been hurt worse, the care could have been less. We could be without such a marvelous support system of good friends.

We've dragged our schoolwork with us for the waiting areas and Boo has been a trouper about getting it done!! But my other praise is that our wait times have really not been too bad. Roo has been able to stay home with my telecommuting husband and has been so good about staying on task by himself.

While I am praising for all this wonderful care we've received...I am praying to be bored silly tomorrow! I am behinder (it is too a word) than I was--and that was bad--on my blog visiting. Looking forward to calm...Okay, I'm not holding my breath.

Prayer Request

A very dear, across-the-miles blog friend
is in the hospital
and needs prayer.
Please help me lift her and her family up to our Father.

With many thanks,

Julie

Reset Button

I don't know if I mentioned it, but I am a packrat crafter. I don't throw anything away. Even if it is outdated, almost empty, useless or worse...broken. I hang on to lots of stuff because, you know, you just never know, it might be useful. Okay, I guess I do throw some stuff away, like the science projects that find their way to my refrigerator, but if it isn't creepy, fuzzy or green, I hang on for dear life.

Anyway...there was this cheap calculator that I purchased for the boys before school started--big buttons, big readout, easy on my ever aging eyes. It was set on a shelf (because it was used so much) and when taken back out would not work. Since it was "solar powered" I thought little of it and let it sit on the table to charge. A few days later I checked it...still not working. And in ever the packrat crafter mode I shoved it into the shelf again...for that time I might need a non-working calculator. It happens...Right?

So last night in a moment of need I grabbed for the calculator, willing it to come on. Nope. Nothing. No matter how hard I punched those buttons. So of course I threw it away laid it on the table for one last chance.

This morning while doing school work with the boys, I fiddled with it absentmindedly, turning it over, seeing if I missed something. There was what looked like a battery cover, but not wanting to interrupt the flow of school, I didn't get up to find a screwdriver. I fiddled with it some more...wait...what was that teeney, tiny, eensey, weensey little black hole there in the back? What did the raised plastic letters say?

"Reset."

A pen was handy so I pushed it in and, voilà, the calculator resumed functioning!

Staples has a great commercial series offering an "easy" button. Don't we all wish that we had access to that throughout the day?

Even more so, I wish I had a "Reset" button. There are many things I would reset, redo and hopefully get right the second time. Although I would be willing to try a third or fourth to make things better. Hopefully I would not have a Bill Murray Groundhog's Day experience, although if that would be what it takes, I'd be willing.

What would you reset if you could?

We don't have a reset button, but our Mighty God gives us many chances and even better--forgiveness. I am so grateful. But I hope in this journey to learn to get things right the first time so I wouldn't have to have that wish for a reset button.

Peace,

Julie

"Let Go, Julie! Just Let It Go!"

Most days this is what I see out my back door.



But one morning mid-summer, this was the view I had...through the door



and then...standing on the patio...looking at my neighbor's patio with my canopy bent and strewn about after the rains had gone.



We've lost a couple of these little canopies in the past year due to unexpected thunderstorms. At the end of last summer my impulsive husband and our dear friend hung on to one canopy during a sudden storm with winds easily topping fifty miles an hour. They saved the canopy. Scared the beejeepers out of me, but they did it.

I would never do something like that.

Or would I?



When I got up at six that day there were just a few wispy clouds to the west of us. We didn't think too much of it, even though the forecast threatened isolated thunderstorms. My ever so humble little patio looked inviting and fine. I went down to the husband's office to chat for a few minutes before I needed to do a quick change to take the boys to their day at summer intensives.

In less than thirty minutes the sky changed from overcast to green-black and the winds had picked up to at least forty mph, thunder boomed closer and closer. To quote a cliché the rain fell in sheets--it really did.

As we ran out of the house I asked if we were going to take the canopy down and my husband, already hanging on to one side of the canopy as it offered to launch to the next block said it was too late, to go in. I decided to try to hang on too. Did I really? I'm still shaking my head at that one.

We hung on and the winds blew harder, the rain fell hard and the canopy constantly tried to take flight. If I had jumped in the pool, my pajamas would not have been more soaked.

The winds accelerated and the lightning got closer.

And silly ole me hung on tighter and tighter. Willing to risk much over a replaceable canopy.

Finally I realized my husband was no longer hanging on, but shouting in my ear, "Let it go, Julie, Just let it go!" I'm a little stubborn. And didn't let go right away.

We both hung on a little longer, enough to help it bend over the fence instead of becoming the projectile it could have been. And then we dove in the house just as the worst of the storm hit. My children witnessed the whole stupid thing. And were terrified.

This was the worst of our storm damage, but up and down the block trees were stripped, a few were even snapped. Windshields were busted out and houses were damaged.

And I was willing to take a chance with wind and lightning for my canopy.

As I dried off, I pondered how symbolic that was for so many things in my life. I'd rather hold on to the unimportant things than let them go. Am I too busy cling to my chaff (collections, things, junk, opinions) and storing them in barns? Should I be more concerned with treasures that won't rust or burn away?

How often has God said, "Just let it go, Julie!" How long did I hang on?

What are you hanging onto these days? I don't recommend what I did. Really, really stupid (and I know stupid is not a nice word--but it was.) I've learned my lesson about canopies. Hopefully the bigger lesson will sink in too.

Let go,

Julie

For Kelli

The original post is linked to the button.

Kelli's most recent post is up today.

Visit Kelli and send some love & prayers her way.

Blessings,

~Julie~

midwest squall

high level thunder rumbles. mirrors reality on the ground. will it storm soon or be delayed? it is inevitable. the wait is is the hardest.

planting flowers in the thunder and rain was good therapy...

so grateful for the prayers. i am certainly blessed by friends.

Sin Is Expensive

(This is not something many children are ready for. You might want to watch it later if your children are with you.)

Good Friday

The joy comes in the morning, and that is true.

But I never want to forget:

What salvation cost.

The price Love paid.

The gift is free with no strings.

May your Good Friday be filled with the knowledge that you are loved beyond reason.

Grains of Gratitude

I am grateful for:

Children who are patient with me, who teach me daily about the forgiving love of God.

Being a parent has been a continual lesson in hearing God's voice. Sometimes I hear Him when he corrects me as I correct my children. Sometimes I hear Him when I tell my boys how much I love them, realizing God loves them and me more deeply than I can ever fathom.

Sometimes the lesson is in seeing young and fresh hearts offer forgiveness to me or to someone else who I might not be so charitable with.

Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, "Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?" Jesus answered, "I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times. Matthew 18:21-22

How hard my heart has become the older I get. Forgiveness and mercy don't come easily. Extending charity to someone I feel has hurt me or my family isn't something I want to do. Setting aside my feelings of entitlement is difficult. What about what I want and need? Who takes care of me?

Somehow along the path, the whispers of the world seem to settle in and sound like truth: "You deserve to be angry." "You need time to yourself." "You should take care of yourself first--no one else will do it."

And then I remember that God takes care of me.

I am also grateful for the sermon of our visiting priest today. He reminded us of the power that is within us. He reminded us that we will always be tempted. During Lent, many of us may be tempted even more than usual if we are trying harder than usual to keep our focus on God.

He reminded us of the power of the word, "No!"

"No, I won't yell at my children." "No, I won't gossip about someone who I'm not fond of." "No, I won't allow that thought to be in my mind." "I will not allow myself to do that action which I know is unpleasing to God."

We have a choice, a free will, and we have power through Jesus to claim that good choice. We cannot fall back on the excuses that we were "tempted" or "not strong enough." We have a helper in the Holy Spirit. We can choose the pleasing choice.

But when we sin, and we will, we can refuse to repeat our sins. We can return to the LORD who is waiting for us.

I am so grateful for a merciful Father, waiting for our return.



Hosea
by Gregory Norbert

Come back to me - with all your heart
Don't let fear keep us apart.
Trees do bend - though straight and tall
So must we to others call.

Long have I waited for your coming home to me and living deeply our new life.

The wilderness will lead you
to your heart where I will speak.
Integrity and justice
with tenderness you shall know.

Long have I waited for your coming home to me and living deeply our new life

You shall sleep secure with peace
faithfulness will be your joy.

Long have I waited for your coming home to me and living deeply our new life.


Christine at Brady's Bunch got me started on Grains of Gratitude. I am grateful.

Hold Me Jesus

Well, sometimes my life
Just don't make sense at all
When the mountains look so big
And my faith just seems so small

CHORUS:
So hold me Jesus, 'cause I'm shaking like a leaf
You have been King of my glory
Won't You be my Prince of Peace

And I wake up in the night and feel the dark
It's so hot inside my soul
I swear there must be blisters on my heart

CHORUS

Surrender don't come natural to me
I'd rather fight You for something
I don't really want
Than to take what You give that I need
And I've beat my head against so many walls
Now I'm falling down, I'm falling on my knees

And this Salvation Army band
Is playing this hymn
And Your grace rings out so deep
It makes my resistance seem so thin

CHORUS

You have been King of my glory
Won't You be my Prince of Peace

~Rich Mullins~

Getting Ready

I love to know ahead of time when company is coming. I am a lazy person by nature and don’t always have my house “company ready.” Something I think would be great, would be to to throw open the door with pride and allow someone to see my gleaming home.

But if you drop in unannounced (and if you are in the neighborhood, I hope you do!) don’t expect too much. You will see the piles of books, the half-finished projects, and clean laundry in baskets, unfolded (the dirty laundry, I try to hide!) . Hopefully those dishes won’t be in the sink. You will likely see the computer, smack in the middle of the living room, left on someone’s blog where I got interrupted for everyday life. That is my reality.

But if you call me (maybe) I might be able to make sure the vacuuming is done, the bathrooms are cleaned, just maybe those pesky dishes will be put away and it is possible I might have something more than coffee, tea and my favorite butter cookies for a snack.

It is possible.

Preparing takes a lot of work, but given the chance it is a joy to offer hospitality to our friends and family.

There are two times of preparation during the liturgical year, Advent and Lent. Both are times of spiritual housecleaning, if you will. Times to prepare our heart for the glorious feasts of Christmas and Easter/Resurrection Sunday. Time to renew our hearts and return to the One who loves us more deeply and more perfectly than any love we find in humanity.

The times of preparation are great gifts to us. We are given time to prepare. The arrival date is announced. Company is coming! Clean out the cobwebs of sin and indifference. Wash the windows of our soul. Even though we have welcomed Him into our hearts before, we have a chance to renew the joy of our first experience, our first love for the Maker of the Universe. The Maker of us, the one who knew us in the womb.

During Advent we prepare with joy for the coming of the Christ Child, The Price of Peace the Son of God, King of Kings, all wrapped in one tiny little being of an infant. What a beautiful mystery and what a joy.

We all know that the stable was likely to have been cold and the smells of the animals was heavy in the air, it was likely dusty or muddy. But it is a moment, for us, of joy. I think that is why we often drape the Holy Family in white or gold or lovely impractical colors in our nativity—our small gift to the Infant Jesus; our gift we weren’t there to bring over 2000 years ago. Advent is a path to rejoicing. We decorate our houses and prepare a birthday celebration.

Lent, too, is a path to rejoicing. Even more glorious than Advent, Lent culminates in Easter, Resurrection Sunday, the Victory over death and sin.

But to get to Easter we mush pass through a dark valley of Good Friday/Passover, Holy Saturday, the day of darkness and lingering doubt for the apostles, the quiet, quiet waiting.

In the 40 days of Lent we confront why it was necessary for our Savior, the One who knew no sin to suffer for all our sins; to die the painful death we, not He, deserved. He allowed Himself to be totally stripped of His glory, that we may be grafted in to the Vine, that we may someday join Him in heaven.

Lent for me offers an ugly mirror to clean. Oh, if someone looked at my life they could say, I could say, there aren’t BIG sins there. You know, the sins that land you in prison, the sins and scandals that make the headlines.

But that mirror is dark and shabby, smoky and dirty from all the little, petty offenses. And sometimes it is easier to sweep those under the rug and forget that they, too, are the cause of the lashes of the whip, the gouges of the thorns, the hammering of the nails

The rug needs more than vacuuming. The carpets need torn up and replaced. Cobwebs are clinging to the walls. Those dishes are still in the sink.

Company is coming. I need to get busy and prepare.