This I recall to my mind, therefore have I hope. It is of the Lord’s mercies that we are not consumed, because his compassions fail not. They are new every moring: great is thy faithfulness. The Lord is my portion saith my soul: therefore will I hope in him. The Lord is good unto them that wait for Him, to the soul that seeketh him. It is good that a man should both hope and quietly wait for the salvation of the LORD. Lamentations 3: 21-26

Thursday, February 22, 2007

Feeling Like a Fraud

I think the blog title and the moniker are just not very accurate right now and I am feeling pretty bad about that. Apparently I am putting on the pretense in the real world but it feels very dry and is starting to crack. But if there are choices they don’t seem very obvious other than the one to just keep going, putting one foot ahead and following with the other.

We’ve hit Day 29 of DCG being without a job. And what is even more frustrating is that the phone is not ringing, the e-mails are not coming, all is quiet, with the exception of the interview he had Tuesday. It was a second interview with a great company, and I know it is only Thursday…but…we don’t wait well. And it has never. Been. This. Quiet. Before. Never.

I am beginning to think that I misplaced the formula for getting my prayers heard. And then I realize what that sounds like. Like there are magic words with which God can be persuaded to move. Well we know that isn’t true. I am always very leery of those who would tell you to pray a certain prayer and pray in a certain manner and things will go your way. Sounds a little like dancing near that edge of superstition.

My grandma used to pray like that. Pray to St. Theresa or pray to St. Joseph or…I don’t remember the patron saint of hopeless cases, but we prayed a lot to him when I was growing up. And you said a certain number of prayers in a certain order. I now understand about praying to the saints, but we are talking about giving them glory that should go to God. Ascribing to them His power type prayer.

My mother’s friends pray that way, only without the saints involved: if you say it and believe it, God hears it therefore it is true. My mom has cancer. And that is a story for another time. But can you see where that is going? Anyway…those are the kind of prayers that sound good. I just don’t think they are where I should be right now.

Maybe the sackcloth and ashes of Job and the Hebrew people aren’t such a bad idea. I am extremely tired of the “I’m fine” routine. We will be fine; it is fine… God has everything under control… It will work out for good. I come by the “internalization gene” naturally the “Make a Good Face for the World' club was founded by my mother.

I am trying to keep the days normal for the boys and a structure and cheerful face for my guy and I don’t want to burden my friends, because after awhile people get bored of hearing about things. I don’t want to bore them now, because I keep feeling like it might be worse later—and I don’t want them bored before then.

How much longer can I hold on?

Could someone tell me what it is I am supposed to do right now? I think I know the answer and it is, “Hold on.”

I am alternating between fury of having to go through this (again—close to five years ago we lost almost everything, including our home, during that bleak time of IT downsizing and outsourcing ) to being thankful for what I do have. I don’t fear my child will not make it through the night. My husband is my friend and we can cling to each other. I have food and a roof and comfort that many, even in this country do not. I have things I could choose to sell to keep the pantry stocked a little longer. I am rich beyond measure. Why should I expect more? I praise that my life is mine and I am not bearing someone else’s sorrows. I don’t walk my path well…but it seems familiar and while a bit murky and foggy I can still see it.

And so I wait. And hold on.

Psalm 52:8-9

8 But I am like an olive tree
flourishing in the house of God;
I trust in God's unfailing love
for ever and ever.

9 I will praise you forever for what you have done;
in your name I will hope, for your name is good.
I will praise you in the presence of your saints.

By Ka­tha­ri­na von Schle­gel
translated from the German byJane Borth­wick
Music: Finlandia by Jean Sibelius, 1899

Be still, my soul: the Lord is on thy side.
Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain.
Leave to thy God to order and provide;
In every change, He faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul: thy best, thy heavenly Friend
Through thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

Be still, my soul: thy God doth undertake

To guide the future, as He has the past.
Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake;
All now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul: the waves and winds still know
His voice Who ruled them while He dwelt below.

Be still, my soul: when dearest friends depart,
And all is darkened in the vale of tears,
Then shalt thou better know His love, His heart,
Who comes to soothe thy sorrow and thy fears.
Be still, my soul: thy Jesus can repay
From His own fullness all He takes away.

Be still, my soul: the hour is hastening on
When we shall be forever with the Lord.
When disappointment, grief and fear are gone,
Sorrow forgot, love’s purest joys restored.
Be still, my soul: when change and tears are past
All safe and bless├Ęd we shall meet at last.

Be still, my soul: begin the song of praise
On earth, believing, to Thy Lord on high;
Acknowledge Him in all thy words and ways,
So shall He view thee with a well pleased eye.
Be still, my soul: the Sun of life divine
Through passing clouds shall but more brightly shine.


DebD said...

Oh, I wish I had some great answer. I think looking to Job is an excellent idea - especially in this age of quick answers and pop Christianity. I am always humbled by Job's response to all the calamities that befell him. "He fell to the ground and worshipped" I am such a wimp - I just don't honestly think I could do that.

"It is good for me to cling to God and to place in Him the hope of my salvation." St. John Chyrsostom


Kristina Campbell said...

I cannot speak into your heart right now, but I needed to let you know that your openness and honesty has spoken volumes into mine. life has a funny way of not quite being all of what I had hoped, and yet there is always the potential for a turnaround tomorrow. like a supermarket turnstyle ... I can choose to go either direction, I suppose.
thank you for your vulnerability.

Bss said...

Jeremiah 29:11

Psalm 121
Psalm 23

These verses comfort me during difficult times. I will keep your family in my prayers. Even during this difficult time for your family, you have allowed God's light to shine through you. I know I have been blessed by reading your blog.

Liza's Eyeview said...

I just added your blog to my favorite links. Your transparency in this post is very touching. I just said a prayer for you while reading this post. The other day I was having some anxiety and a blogger friend gave me the verse I John 4:8 (I think it was 4:8) about "perfect love cast out all fear". Then she told me to basque in God's love for me (I blogged on this in my blog). Anyway, being reminder of God's love for me helped me deal with anxiety. I hope that being reminder of God's love for you will help you through this "waiting period" in your life. God bless you and your family.

JennaG said...

I'm sorry you're not feeling joyful--I went through that last week. But, don't confuse happiness with joy--you can still have joy through hard times. I don't know anything about praying to saints, but I know about praying to Jesus--and that I will do--for you.

sheryl said...

I just read this post for the first time after clicking through from your "restarting" post. I can so relate to the emotions you so beautifully and honestly shared. And as you said, even with all that's been going on in our world, I'm thankful for the fact that I'm living my life and not someone else's. I also don't always walk my path well...but I, too, wait...and hold on :)
Thank you for such a beautiful is still blessing months after you wrote it.