I think the blog title and the moniker are just not very accurate right now and I am feeling pretty bad about that. Apparently I am putting on the pretense in the real world but it feels very dry and is starting to crack. But if there are choices they don’t seem very obvious other than the one to just keep going, putting one foot ahead and following with the other.
We’ve hit Day 29 of DCG being without a job. And what is even more frustrating is that the phone is not ringing, the e-mails are not coming, all is quiet, with the exception of the interview he had Tuesday. It was a second interview with a great company, and I know it is only Thursday…but…we don’t wait well. And it has never. Been. This. Quiet. Before. Never.
I am beginning to think that I misplaced the formula for getting my prayers heard. And then I realize what that sounds like. Like there are magic words with which God can be persuaded to move. Well we know that isn’t true. I am always very leery of those who would tell you to pray a certain prayer and pray in a certain manner and things will go your way. Sounds a little like dancing near that edge of superstition.
My grandma used to pray like that. Pray to St. Theresa or pray to St. Joseph or…I don’t remember the patron saint of hopeless cases, but we prayed a lot to him when I was growing up. And you said a certain number of prayers in a certain order. I now understand about praying to the saints, but we are talking about giving them glory that should go to God. Ascribing to them His power type prayer.
My mother’s friends pray that way, only without the saints involved: if you say it and believe it, God hears it therefore it is true. My mom has cancer. And that is a story for another time. But can you see where that is going? Anyway…those are the kind of prayers that sound good. I just don’t think they are where I should be right now.
Maybe the sackcloth and ashes of Job and the Hebrew people aren’t such a bad idea. I am extremely tired of the “I’m fine” routine. We will be fine; it is fine… God has everything under control… It will work out for good. I come by the “internalization gene” naturally the “Make a Good Face for the World' club was founded by my mother.
I am trying to keep the days normal for the boys and a structure and cheerful face for my guy and I don’t want to burden my friends, because after awhile people get bored of hearing about things. I don’t want to bore them now, because I keep feeling like it might be worse later—and I don’t want them bored before then.
How much longer can I hold on?
Could someone tell me what it is I am supposed to do right now? I think I know the answer and it is, “Hold on.”
I am alternating between fury of having to go through this (again—close to five years ago we lost almost everything, including our home, during that bleak time of IT downsizing and outsourcing ) to being thankful for what I do have. I don’t fear my child will not make it through the night. My husband is my friend and we can cling to each other. I have food and a roof and comfort that many, even in this country do not. I have things I could choose to sell to keep the pantry stocked a little longer. I am rich beyond measure. Why should I expect more? I praise that my life is mine and I am not bearing someone else’s sorrows. I don’t walk my path well…but it seems familiar and while a bit murky and foggy I can still see it.
And so I wait. And hold on.
8 But I am like an olive tree
flourishing in the house of God;
I trust in God's unfailing love
for ever and ever.
9 I will praise you forever for what you have done;
in your name I will hope, for your name is good.
I will praise you in the presence of your saints.
By Katharina von Schlegel
translated from the German byJane Borthwick
Music: Finlandia by Jean Sibelius, 1899
Be still, my soul: the Lord is on thy side.
Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain.
Leave to thy God to order and provide;
In every change, He faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul: thy best, thy heavenly Friend
Through thorny ways leads to a joyful end.
Be still, my soul: thy God doth undertake
To guide the future, as He has the past.
Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake;
All now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul: the waves and winds still know
His voice Who ruled them while He dwelt below.
Be still, my soul: when dearest friends depart,
And all is darkened in the vale of tears,
Then shalt thou better know His love, His heart,
Who comes to soothe thy sorrow and thy fears.
Be still, my soul: thy Jesus can repay
From His own fullness all He takes away.
Be still, my soul: the hour is hastening on
When we shall be forever with the Lord.
When disappointment, grief and fear are gone,
Sorrow forgot, love’s purest joys restored.
Be still, my soul: when change and tears are past
All safe and blessèd we shall meet at last.
Be still, my soul: begin the song of praise
On earth, believing, to Thy Lord on high;
Acknowledge Him in all thy words and ways,
So shall He view thee with a well pleased eye.
Be still, my soul: the Sun of life divine
Through passing clouds shall but more brightly shine.