Feeling Like a Fraud

I think the blog title and the moniker are just not very accurate right now and I am feeling pretty bad about that. Apparently I am putting on the pretense in the real world but it feels very dry and is starting to crack. But if there are choices they don’t seem very obvious other than the one to just keep going, putting one foot ahead and following with the other.

We’ve hit Day 29 of DCG being without a job. And what is even more frustrating is that the phone is not ringing, the e-mails are not coming, all is quiet, with the exception of the interview he had Tuesday. It was a second interview with a great company, and I know it is only Thursday…but…we don’t wait well. And it has never. Been. This. Quiet. Before. Never.

I am beginning to think that I misplaced the formula for getting my prayers heard. And then I realize what that sounds like. Like there are magic words with which God can be persuaded to move. Well we know that isn’t true. I am always very leery of those who would tell you to pray a certain prayer and pray in a certain manner and things will go your way. Sounds a little like dancing near that edge of superstition.

My grandma used to pray like that. Pray to St. Theresa or pray to St. Joseph or…I don’t remember the patron saint of hopeless cases, but we prayed a lot to him when I was growing up. And you said a certain number of prayers in a certain order. I now understand about praying to the saints, but we are talking about giving them glory that should go to God. Ascribing to them His power type prayer.

My mother’s friends pray that way, only without the saints involved: if you say it and believe it, God hears it therefore it is true. My mom has cancer. And that is a story for another time. But can you see where that is going? Anyway…those are the kind of prayers that sound good. I just don’t think they are where I should be right now.

Maybe the sackcloth and ashes of Job and the Hebrew people aren’t such a bad idea. I am extremely tired of the “I’m fine” routine. We will be fine; it is fine… God has everything under control… It will work out for good. I come by the “internalization gene” naturally the “Make a Good Face for the World' club was founded by my mother.

I am trying to keep the days normal for the boys and a structure and cheerful face for my guy and I don’t want to burden my friends, because after awhile people get bored of hearing about things. I don’t want to bore them now, because I keep feeling like it might be worse later—and I don’t want them bored before then.

How much longer can I hold on?

Could someone tell me what it is I am supposed to do right now? I think I know the answer and it is, “Hold on.”

I am alternating between fury of having to go through this (again—close to five years ago we lost almost everything, including our home, during that bleak time of IT downsizing and outsourcing ) to being thankful for what I do have. I don’t fear my child will not make it through the night. My husband is my friend and we can cling to each other. I have food and a roof and comfort that many, even in this country do not. I have things I could choose to sell to keep the pantry stocked a little longer. I am rich beyond measure. Why should I expect more? I praise that my life is mine and I am not bearing someone else’s sorrows. I don’t walk my path well…but it seems familiar and while a bit murky and foggy I can still see it.

And so I wait. And hold on.


Psalm 52:8-9

8 But I am like an olive tree
flourishing in the house of God;
I trust in God's unfailing love
for ever and ever.

9 I will praise you forever for what you have done;
in your name I will hope, for your name is good.
I will praise you in the presence of your saints.


By Ka­tha­ri­na von Schle­gel
translated from the German byJane Borth­wick
Music: Finlandia by Jean Sibelius, 1899

Be still, my soul: the Lord is on thy side.
Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain.
Leave to thy God to order and provide;
In every change, He faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul: thy best, thy heavenly Friend
Through thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

Be still, my soul: thy God doth undertake
To guide the future, as He has the past.
Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake;
All now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul: the waves and winds still know
His voice Who ruled them while He dwelt below.

Be still, my soul: when dearest friends depart,
And all is darkened in the vale of tears,
Then shalt thou better know His love, His heart,
Who comes to soothe thy sorrow and thy fears.
Be still, my soul: thy Jesus can repay
From His own fullness all He takes away.

Be still, my soul: the hour is hastening on
When we shall be forever with the Lord.
When disappointment, grief and fear are gone,
Sorrow forgot, love’s purest joys restored.
Be still, my soul: when change and tears are past
All safe and blessèd we shall meet at last.

Be still, my soul: begin the song of praise
On earth, believing, to Thy Lord on high;
Acknowledge Him in all thy words and ways,
So shall He view thee with a well pleased eye.
Be still, my soul: the Sun of life divine
Through passing clouds shall but more brightly shine.

Shadow Box Turned Rubber Stamp Organizer

Lack of storage space has got me looking vertically. Limited funds have me looking creatively. I am a hobby collector and one of my hobbies is rubber stamping. I would much rather spend my money on stamps than those gorgeous cabinets that I see featured in so many magazines. So when I was getting really frustrated with my basket and pile method, I realized how cute or pretty my stamps are. They must look nice if I bought them. So I was trying to figure how to display them and all of a sudden for the small ones I realized that my old shadow box, vintage ‘80s, would work perfectly. Keeps them handy, looks nice on the wall & provides inspiration, keeps them out of a pile…works for me.

Now if someone can show me an inexpensive way to store the big ones.

For more wonderful Works for Me Wednesday ideas head over to Shannon’s Rocks in My Dryer where she hosts some really great ladies and their creative ideas.

Wordless Wednesday

From Friday at the zoo. A trip through the aquarium.






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Read to Me 2007 Mission

Jennifer at Snapshot has offered at mission dear to my heart. Her Read to Me 2007 Mission (details here) offered a chance to make some solid, written goals for our reading over the next month. I just stumbled onto Jennifer’s blog and was so blessed by what I’ve read there. I hope it’s okay a newbie jumped in a day late.

For both the boys I would like to read J.M. Barrie’s Peter Pan to them. A chapter a day doesn’t seem like a lofty goal, but with the running that seems to be increasing instead of decreasing, it does seem doable. I could even read during the hour of down time between basketball and ballet on Wednesdays. With the warming weather sitting in the van at the park won’t seem like such a bad thing. And it really is too muddy to get out when we have some place to go to after. If we finish early Hugh Lofting's Doctor Dolittle will be up after.

For Roo I would like to finish Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone. We have been getting about two nights a week together and it is just not enough. I promised him when we finish this book we can watch the movie together again. He is reading six different books right now on his own (I only assigned three of them—he asked to add the rest) at a rate of a chapter a day. Although I think he is reading three or four chapters of Eragon on his own time. So we have four chapters of Sorcerer’s Stone and then I am sure we will head into Chamber of Secrets, which is fine with me. My goal is to finish that by March 19. It's very possible we will finish and then I want to shift from HP for another genre. Johnny Tremaine by Esther Forbes may be just the ticket.

Boo is the one who never wants to read or be read to. Truth be told, if you can lasso him down and get started, he enjoys it immensely. Especially since Daddy has been home and doing his reading to him daily. (But hopefully Daddy’s interview today will put him back in the employed category, so this is likely not to continue as frequently.) His own reading skills are increasing exponentially even though he will still tell me he “can’t.” “Can’t” really translates into “don’t want to” in Boo-ese. In addition to our already scheduled school reading I think for him I will set our read aloud goal with James Herriot’s Treasury for Children, followed by A.A. Milne’s The Complete Tales of Winnie the Pooh Collection that we own. Boo has that sense of humor that responds to British writing. I am ever so glad.

Many thanks to Jennifer for starting this. I was inspired. Many encouraging ladies posted some great goals and they’re signed up and linked at her sight. Go read here…and then read some more books to your children. We can never read too much.


Technorati tags: reading, books, children's books, homeschool,

Of Peccaries, Parrots and Parents

The weekend began early Friday morning—about 5 a.m. My nephew had his birthday and in the deep of winter wanted to go to the zoo. What to do??? We went!! After a long drive, we met my sister and her two children. And after a side trip to have cousinly, family pictures taken we went to the zoo.

The zoo in winter is lovely if not only for the fact that there are many people who don’t know that it is worthwhile to visit then. I did not miss the crowds and we were able to take the time to see the animals that were on exhibit.

These are Klipspringers. At first I thought the one on the right was stuffed because it. didn’t. move. For. a. really. long. time. It just stood still so I turned to look at the little meerkats to the side of them and turned back and found the little guy eating. No wonder they can hide so well in the wild!

There were lots of neat plants to look at also. This particular zoo rivals a botanical center in my opinion.

We saw these little peccaries and they make the funniest sounds. They are definitely chatterers.

My heart was stolen by these kit foxes. One of them was intrigued by the bag I was carrying and came as close as he could to inspect me. But as soon as the children caught up to me he hopped back up on his little rock. Not up for the boisterous antics of our brood.

My tapir friends from my Wordless Wednesday picture last week were waiting. I love these guys!! They are funny and sweet and too cute for words.

The parrots were more interesting in preening than posing and I didn’t get as good a shot as the one I have on my sidebar. They were chatty as ever and always a treat to watch.

Here are pictures of all four children. Well, pictures of their hands next to a cast of an orangutan’s hand.

Amazing.

Nothing beats the walk under water in the aquarium. I am no photographer, other than the fact I have a camera and I take pictures. I don’t think that qualifies me for the title photographer. However, I did learn a few things with my camera and am anxious to go back and spend some more time trying again.

After the zoo we bundled the children into the car with their “zooveniers” –can’t go to the zoo without a stop at the zoo shop, and off we went—over the river and through the woods. Another ride. We spent the weekend with the grandparents, where if one child has a birthday, everyone gets a gift. They each received marionettes of what else? …Animals. We were entertained all weekend by puppet shows and the squawking and squeaking of the newest additions.

The visit with my parents was bittersweet. Being a child is, I suppose, a hard task. Being an adult child is sometimes more difficult. There is a fine line of what one should offer to help with or not, what one should say or not, do or not…but all in all it was a fine visit and the children were not ready to leave yesterday afternoon. But after the looooooooooooong ride home, filled with listening to C.S. Lewis’ The Last Battle on audio-book, and as many rest area stops as we could make, they decided they were glad to be headed home to their own beds.

The requests for doing all this again soon have been starting already. Must have been a fun time. I thought so.

I Saw Big Don

Zephaniah 3:17 The LORD thy God in the midst of thee is mighty; He will save, He will rejoice over thee with joy; He will rest in His love, He will joy over thee with singing.


Running through Wal-Mart trying to remember the odd things on my list I came to a standstill and then had to hurry down the next empty aisle to wipe away the tears because I saw a man who reminded me of Big Don. I don’t see Elaine in many places or many faces, but I have seen Don on occasion and it takes my breath away. Well actually I have seen men who resembled Big Don. You see, Big Don and Elaine have passed away and it’s been awhile.

We lost Don a little over four years ago to pancreatic cancer. It was hard and fast and was unbelievable. And then less than a year later Elaine had a stroke and she was gone within the year.

I miss them still.

Don was a mountain of a man up until the cancer ate away at him. He could hold one child in each arm, high above the crowd and I never saw a child unhappy there. He was a Pied Piper with children, they would flock to him and he held so many fussy babies during church services, I don’t think there is a count to how many. He would stop and help someone in need, he gave his time, his money, his love and his favorite thing to share was his faith. He was a simple man, Elaine told me once he needed to get up by five to get on the road to work before six. But Don got up at four so he could spend an hour with the LORD and read his Bible…he didn’t want to rush through it. He didn’t think he read all that well and he wanted to get each word. Each word. And I don’t doubt that he did.

Where Don was a teddy bear, Elaine was more of a prickly pear…with a soft, soft inside. She was a good hostess in their modest home. I never felt nervous as a mother of young children when I would have the boys to visit there. She had a cookie and a Pepsi or something she had made. There was never a stranger there. She was a rock through all of Don’s illness and then when she was ill, I wondered who would be her rock. She missed him and she longed for home, the real home, and even when she was wheelchair bound and had difficulty with everything, she took the time to write out, “God is good.” That was her message until the day she died.

Don and Elaine were a second set of parents to my DCG, they were an extra set of grandparents to my sons. They took the boys and I to the boys' first dinosaur museum and got them a private guided tour—well, okay, their son worked there. But still…that was one of the most beautiful days I can remember. When DCG was working nine hours away they came and took the boys and I out to dinner—I was without a car, they took me to church and made sure I didn’t feel alone.

The fanciest thing they owned was a Gold Wing motorcycle and they determined to use it only to spread God’s Word. They were Christian Motorcycle Association members. They traveled across the state to carry the Message.

Elaine had an e-mail ministry, and a card sending ministry and she cared for people in need. If you knew her very well you knew she was very insecure about herself. But in truth she was a smart lady and a wonderful role model of a wife and mother.

Don was never afraid to hug someone or shed a tear when moved by the LORD. He was one of the first men I ever saw go forward to the altar to pray. When Don hugged you, you knew you were hugged.

The number of people they touched isn’t able to be measured and their funerals were like none I had ever been too.

I am sure they are home and they are happy, but down here in the worry of the world, they are often missed.


Elaine’s Cabbage Salad
(This was the salad she brought to every potluck at church, I think.)

1 3-oz pkg chicken ramen noodles
6 c shredded cabbage (bok choy works well)
4 green onions
½ c toasted sunflower seeds
½ c sliced almonds
2 Tablespoons butter or margarine
Tablespoon sugar

Crush ramen noodles and combine w/sunflower seeds and almonds. In a skillet add butter, sugar and ramen and seeds and nuts, brown lightly. Chop cabbage and green onions add noodle mixture and toss. Whisk dressing ingredients and pour over vegetable and ramen mixture and toss again.

Dressing:
½ c vegetable oil
3 Tablespoons vinegar
2 Tablespoons sugar
½ tsp salt
½ tsp pepper
1pkg seasoning packet from ramen noodles

Exodus 20

1And God spoke all these words, saying:

2"I am the LORD thy God, who have brought thee out of the land of Egypt, out of the house of bondage.

3"Thou shalt have no other gods before Me.

4"Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image, or any likeness of anything that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth.

5Thou shalt not bow down thyself to them, nor serve them; for I, the LORD thy God, am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children unto the third and fourth generation of them that hate Me,

6and showing mercy unto thousands of them that love Me and keep My commandments.

7"Thou shalt not take the name of the LORD thy God in vain, for the LORD will not hold him guiltless that taketh His name in vain.

8"Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy.

9Six days shalt thou labor and do all thy work;

10but the seventh day is the Sabbath of the LORD thy God. In it thou shalt not do any work, thou, nor thy son, nor thy daughter, thy manservant, nor thy maidservant, nor thy cattle, nor thy stranger that is within thy gates.

11For in six days the LORD made heaven and earth, the sea, and all that in them is, and rested the seventh day. Therefore the LORD blessed the Sabbath day and hallowed it.

12"Honor thy father and thy mother, that thy days may be long upon the land which the LORD thy God giveth thee.

13"Thou shalt not kill.

14"Thou shalt not commit adultery.

15"Thou shalt not steal.

16"Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor.

17"Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's house; thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife, nor his manservant, nor his maidservant, nor his ox, nor his ass, nor anything that is thy neighbor's."

18And all the people saw the thunderings and the lightnings, and the noise of the trumpet and the mountain smoking; and when the people saw it, they removed and stood afar off.

19And they said unto Moses, "Speak thou with us and we will hear; but let not God speak with us, lest we die."

20And Moses said unto the people, "Fear not; for God has come to test you, and that His fear may be before your faces, that ye sin not."

21And the people stood afar off, and Moses drew near unto the thick darkness where God was.
22And the LORD said unto Moses, "Thus thou shalt say unto the children of Israel: `Ye have seen that I have talked with you from heaven.

23Ye shall not make with Me gods of silver, neither shall ye make unto you gods of gold.

24An altar of earth thou shalt make unto Me, and shalt sacrifice thereon thy burnt offerings and thy peace offerings, thy sheep and thine oxen. In all places where I record My name I will come unto thee, and I will bless thee.

25And if thou wilt make Me an altar of stone, thou shalt not build it of hewn stone; for if thou lift up thy tool upon it, thou hast polluted it.

26Neither shalt thou go up by steps unto Mine altar, that thy nakedness be not uncovered thereon.'

20 Questions

Twenty Questions again! And it's all about you.

I found this at Amy’s Random Thoughts and borrowed it. Thanks Amy! Anyone’s welcome to play!

1. When you buy a greetings card are the words or the picture more important to you?
I make my own & therefore EVERYTHING is important. Don’t I sound like a snob??
2. What's your favorite kind of cake?
Cheesecake of any flavor.
3. Do you ever make gifts for people, if so what, or do you buy them?
I've made ornaments, afghans, scarves, blankets and sometimes I bake. And I make cards!
4. What's your favorite holiday?
Passover (But if you ask which I make the biggest mess over…now that would be Christmas. Figure that out.)
5. Are you going on holiday this year? If so, where?
To the county fair to see my niece show in her first horse show.
6.What was the best party you've ever been to?
I really don’t like parties. I avoid them if I can and it’s been years since I’ve really enjoyed one. I’m kind of a hermit and like one on one or couple get togethers.
7. If you are married, describe your wedding. If not, what would your ideal wedding be like?
Outside a friend’s lake house on the deck. Less than 50 people. Sister made the dresses. Mom made the cake. Dad (and Mom) catered the food. Fall, simple, affordable, sweet, memorable.
I got my veil caught in the rain gutter.
8. What's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to you?
My husband still loves me. Warts, weight, idiosyncrasies and all.
9. What's your favorite romantic song?
I Cross My Heart—George Strait
10. Which celebrity would you like a dream date with?
Don’t need one…like my DCG
11. Which female celebrity do you find beautiful?
Madeleine Stowe
12. Which male celebrity do you think is attractive?
Sean Connery
13. If you could be a fictional character from a book who would you choose?
Galadriel
14. If you could be in a television sit-com, which would you choose?
Happy Days
15. Which character would you like to be?
Marion—“Sit on it, Howard!”
16. What's your favorite girl's name?
Ariana or Isabeau
17. What's your favorite boy's name?
Noah (after of course the two names my boys have, which I’m not sharing.)
18. What's your supermarket of choice?
Sadly…Wal-Mart
19. What is your best character trait?
Determination
20. What is your worst habit?
Being compulsive

If you read to the end, feel free to grab it & participate too. Let me know if you do!

Wordless Wednesday

Tapir Sweethearts

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Unrelated Reading

Gradually, night stumbled as if stunned and wandering aimlessly into an overcast day—limped through the wilderland of transition as though there were no knowing where the waste of darkness ended and the ashes of light began. The low clouds seemed full of grief—tense and uneasy with accumulated woe—and yet affectless, unable to rain, as if the air clenched itself too hard for tears. –Stephen Donaldson Lord Foul’s Bane—the Chronicles of Thomas Covenant the Unbeliever

At the end of last year I was attempting to read four or five books at a time. Now I am capable of doing that. If that is the only thing I need to do. But these short people at this house keep insisting they need food. And clothing. And transportation. What’s up with that?

So one of my resolutions (you know, a manageable one) was to keep no more than two books going at a time. But I’ve come upon two that have me stalled. They are totally unrelated other than they were both on my recommended reading list. The first book has been recommended by my sister and many other homeschool moms. It is The Practice of the Presence of God by Brother Lawrence. The second was recommended to my by a dear friend and my husband within the same week. Oddly enough neither had read it for years. It is Lord Foul’s Bane—the Chronicles of Thomas Covenant the Unbeliever.

The Practice of the Presence of God sounded like such a good, life changing book. The premise of the book had been explained to me long ago. Brother Lawrence, a monk, kept a constant rapport with God. He prayed and praised not only during set aside prayer time but also while at menial chores. I heard about that and purposed to do the same thing. I’ve found that it is sometimes in the smallest, meanest chores that I have felt the closest to God.

But reading the book has been somewhat of a struggle. I am pretty sure the problem is me. Brother Lawrence has the seventeenth century motto of Nike—“Just Do It.” It is a simple formula. Your mind strays, you just redirect it. You just keep moving forward, one step at a time. I want to shout because I am so frustrated. I don’t think Brother Lawrence had two young boys giving accounts of the imaginary land of Whozitwhatsits complete with shouts of victorious Whachmacallits fighting. I don’t think he had the phone ringing, the dog begging to go pee and the neighbor girl wanting to sell me magazine subscriptions. To help a school I already have paid taxes for. I just don’t think he did. So what do I do with Brother Lawrence? He makes me feel that one of us is being simple. Sigh. Yes, I am sure it is me. I see where as a country (and individually) we are drowning in our excess. We have too much to distract us from Jesus. We cannot focus for all of our previous choices. And when I say we, the finger is pointing at me. It just makes me feel less alone to think I might not be the only one.

I am pressing on. Knowing Brother Lawrence is right. And I am distracted. And I need to practice God’s presence. A lot.

The second book, a fantasy, first book in a series, didn’t grab me at first. Thomas Covenant is a leper who has lost life—his life—because of his disease. It is at the scene of an impending accident that he is transported to another world where he seems to be expected to be a hero (don’t worry, I haven’t gotten far enough to really give a good spoiler). Definitely a unique twist, but I allowed myself to be led there.

In the second world, while his health appears to be improving, it is his mind he worried about losing.

Stephen Donaldson is a beautiful writer. He is a wordsmith. I have read and re-read paragraphs just for the sheer beauty of the words. But his wonderful words paint an aching picture. I kept feeling related to Thomas Covenant. Why was I feeling related to a leper? Slowly I am coming to see the metaphor that is this character. He is an outcast. He is locked out of society. He is different. His disease is unlovable. He is grasping to hold onto not just his physical, but also his mental health. He makes his way through both worlds one step at a time. He keeps moving. He does the next thing presented to him. And how many days have I felt like that? I don’t know, maybe my struggle with Covenant is that I have identified with him a little too much and if he fails, see a prophecy for myself. Yes, yes…over analyzing a bit much there. But when you suspend disbelief that happens.

What I feel I am getting from both books is a message to focus on the now. Walk to joy one step at a time. Even though our difficulties as a family have been minor compared to some, this is the first time in my life I have really questioned God. I have had difficulty finding praise. I haven’t had music on for me in the house for a few months. I’ve never felt like this before. Now know, I don’t question God’s existence, I don’t question He is right. I am just confused as to the whys and wherefores. It comes down to something I have said before. “The problem is not with God, but with me.” But it’s just a different problem and, like Thomas Covenant, I feel stranded in a different land. Hopefully I can hang on to Brother Lawrence’s arm and fall in step and refocus. Hopefully Thomas Covenant and I will come through the impending battle.

O my God, since Thou art with me, and I must now, in obedience to Thy commands, apply my mind to these outward things, I beseech Thee to grant me the grace to continue in Thy presence; and to this end do Thou prosper me with Thy assistance, receive all my works, and possess all my affections. –Brother Lawrence, The Practice of the Presence of God

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